Boundaries, boundaries

I remember reading in some parenting book that 10 months is the time to introduce kids to the concept of "no". I have to say I've not felt much need for it yet - she's done very little over her short life that I've not found delightful or, in the case of filled nappies, at least blameless.

Clearly though, with the discovery of independence through crawling etc she's acquiring the potential to get to places we don't want her to go. And though that can mostly be corrected by picking her up for a cuddle, she's simultaneously starting to discover that she can influence the world in less pleasing ways.

One way that this has started to manifest is in tantrums in miniature at the dinner table. Thinking back to these events, I think they're often as much inspired by our tardiness in letting her get down and get back to playing as anything else. Adults, being too analytical for their own good, tend to make up a bowl of food and think that their baby hasn't finished eating until the bowl is empty. So when she looks like she wants to be let down after half a bowl, we tend to sit it out a bit and hope she'll get her appetite back once the cat walks out of her line of sight. This can lead to howls of frustration from Anya, and I can see her point: adults vary our meal times and sizes, so why shouldn't babies do the same?

All the same, a tantrumette is a tantrumette no matter how justified, and we have had a few. It's been suggested to us that the ideal way to deal with this is ignoring (on the rather flattering principle that nothing is more precious to a baby than their parents' attention) and I like the fact that this provides a way of dealing with negative behaviour that isn't negative itself. But boy, is it hard to get right.

For one thing, it's hard to know when to stop. Anya starts screaming; I pretend to scrutinise the fridge door. Anya stops screaming; I look at her with a big rewarding smile. Result? Anya gives me a look that says: "Now that I have your attention..." and starts screaming again. She's 10 months old and she's outsmarting me already!

For another thing, it sorta raises the bar for normal attention. To give your ignoring weight, it must be sharply, unmistakably different from your normal behaviour. But when I'm fixing Anya's breakfast and my breakfast and feeding the cat and getting ready for work, I'm probably not the greatest conversational partner. This is one of those skills everyone eventually masters: talking to your kid with your brain stem only, while your higher cognitive skills are focused on keeping all those parent plates spinning. I'm sure it will come, but I haven't quite got it yet.